“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.” – George Carlin I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.” – George Carlin “Some people see the glass half full, others see it half empty. “I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.” – George Carlin “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.” – George Carlin “One can never know for sure what a deserted area can look like.” – George Carlin “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.” – George Carlin “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.” – George Carlin But there is an ‘I’ in independence, individuality, and integrity.” – George Carlin “I often warn people: ‘Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no ‘I’ in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. “When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot’s hands.” – George Carlin “How is it possible to have a civil war?” – George Carlin “Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” – George Carlin “If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.” – George Carlin “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.” – George Carlin “Religion is like a pair of shoes…Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.” – George Carlin “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin “By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.” – George Carlin “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” – George Carlin
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” – George Carlin It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.” – George Carlin “When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. “In America, anyone can become president. “Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.” – George Carlin “We’ve added years to life, not life to years.” – George Carlin
“Don’t just teach your children to read…teach them to question everything that they read…teach them to question everything.” – George Carlin “That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” – George Carlin “Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.” – George Carlin We’ve added years to life, not life to years.” – George Carlin
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We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. “We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” – George Carlin “Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.” – George Carlin “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” – George Carlin When he follows that up with “and f*ck Tiger Woods, too,” it’s hard to not look at him and assume that he was something of a prophet.“The planet is fine.
Of course, Carlin never had any problem taking shots at someone the rest of the country loved, but what makes this bit fascinating is how much public opinion has come around to agreeing with Carlin’s side. These days, Armstrong’s steroid use is a known fact, but it was merely a rumor at this point. But Carlin has none of it, chastising him for his balls, his bicycles, and, most notably, his steroids. He had yet to be stripped of his seven Tour de France titles, and he was seen as an American hero. To put this in perspective, Armstrong was still largely beloved by the American public at this time. After a lengthy round of applause, Carlin says, “I’d like to begin by saying f*ck Lance Armstrong,” which earns him a solid bit of laughter and applause. The album contains the biting critiques of modern society that had long become expected of him, but it’s particularly notable for the very first line. Shortly before his death in 2008, Carlin released his final HBO special, It’s Bad For Ya.
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